the-elm's Diaryland Diary

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blue

i close my eyes,
ignore the smoke,
ignore the smoke,
ignore the smoke.

I've lost 4 kgs, my gpa's close to probation level low, I've got blisters on the insides of my mouth, I've isolated myself from everyone, I've been to the hospital for self-inflicted injuries that require medical attention, and all I do is feel like shit.

I wish there was a way to make it stop. I carry this pain in my heart, physical, tangible pain, like with each passing moment my heart is breaking. It's taking its toll on me, and I'm growing so, so tired. I hear people talk about the beauty of life, of all the good things in this world, but those good things are awfully hard to find, all I see is blackness, pain and misery. It's like I don't even know how to be happy anymore.. And it isn't fair, I never did anything to deserve this.

I think of killing myself every day - of just ending it, so that I can have peace for once and for all. But I've failed death too, I guess I really do suck. And don't think for a moment that I enjoy being this wretched creature that I have become - it's not like I'm not trying to make things better, but you can only try for so long before you give up.

I don't believe in god, but if there is one, then I hope that he ends my misery soon.

1:01 a.m. - 2008-04-03

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