the-elm's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On losing the one i love The light has faded outside, but the city is alive. The busy hum of cars can be heard from the window I sit by, and it reminds me of that stolen moment on a hot summer day years from now. All those moments shared between us in the spur of the moment, without a moment of hesitation or a second thought, all of those seem lost now. It’s as if, with each passing second, with each passing day, a fragment of my life is disappearing, growing farther and farther away from my reach. I’m a million miles away from you and you’re going to a place that I will never be able to go to, so far away that no matter what I do, I won’t be able to get you back. And I wish I could stop you, I wish I could change your mind. But one thing I always knew about you was that you were resolute, once you had made your decision nothing could stand in your way. The fan drones on, zoon zoon, and it feels like that’s what my existence is being reduced to, the perfunctory, exhausted and spent drone of a ceiling fan. With each morning it is harder to wake up, to find a reason to get through the day, to find the energy to try to be happy, to still persuade myself that love is real and that it does indeed defeat everything. How can I believe love never fails if it failed me? I don’t want to be in love anymore. Love made me simplistic and naïve, and it’s never a good thing to have so much faith in anything. But it felt good to have faith, and you were always there to remind me that I wasn’t being foolish, that it was correct to believe in love. You showed me what love was, but then you took it all away from me right when I was least expecting it. And now I stand here, naked and unprotected from the cruel world, vulnerable and alone. And I don’t know what to do with myself, or how to stand on my own two feet – I always relied on you for strength, because on my own I am fragile, easily broken. All the love I had in me, I gave to you. But now I am empty. And I don’t want to be filled with those foolish flights of fancy again by someone else. Never again. No one but you. 8:28 p.m. - 2008-03-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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