the-elm's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 years.. An empty room and an empty heart. Here I sit, hollowed and vacant - feeling strangely fine but hurting so very much inside. I know that this won't kill me, it's not the end of the world. But I feel sad. Sad for the two years that I just let go of; sad for giving up on something I fought so long and hard for; sad that no matter how hard I tried, it just wasn't good enough. I believe in God, but sometimes I find it hard too imagine that He cares about me. I try to tell myself that this is just a test - something that will make me better, stronger and smarter. But in the end I feel like a fool - a fool for not listening to everyone and for believing that I could win over this lost cause. I guess now all I can do is accept that it just wasn't meant to be afterall. Slowly it's sinking in that I really did deserve better - someone who really cared for me. And I let that someone go too. Irony. In five days I recieve my first acceptance/rejection notification. It's the only comfort I have. College for me is a sort of utopia - a magical place where you haven't a care in the world and nothing ever goes wrong. I really hope I get in somewhere - anywhere away from here will do. God, if you're listening, this is your chance. I don't know what to think now as far as that whole true love thing goes. Is there really true love? A special someone for everyone? I find that increasingly harder to believe. Love is a foolish little illusion that people delude themselves with to make them temporarily feel better about their crummy little lives. I used to believe this a little over two years ago, but then I let myself fall for it too. What an idiot I am. In the end - all we have is family. Friends come and go as you move through life but your family will always be your family. The guilt that I feel for the deception and betrayel weighs down on me right now, cutting off my air, strangling me. I should burn in hell, I've done everything to deserve it. Right now I feel so pathetic and small, so insignificant that I could be chewed up and spit out without a moment of hesitation or regret. I feel hatred and anger, but only towards myself. This is my own undoing and only I am to be held responsible. I'm not going to change my mind now. That much is certain. I can't handle much more heartbreak and rejection. So yeah, here's to all the tears and the fights, the smiles and the good times. Goodbye to all of it - may I never make such a mistake again. 18/03/2007. 4:47 p.m. - 2007-03-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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