the-elm's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reflection I seem to have lost all sense of direction all of a sudden.. I can't see where I'm headed, and what's worse is I don't even know where I want to go. Today my dad asked me what I wanted from life, and from him. I didn't have an answer to that, and all I could do is stare blankly at the ground. Am I beginning to lose sight of who I am? At the risk of being cliched I'll say that it's seriously time for some soul-searching for me. I don't know who I am or what I like or what I want. Is that strange? A few years ago I used to know exactly what I wanted and it was so clear where I was headed.. I had my future all mapped out for myself. All of a sudden though everything's changed. The only constant factor in my life seems to be uncertainty. In a year more than half of my friends will probably have left for America, England and Austrailia for university. And me, the one who wanted to leave here the most is probably going to be left behind. Abandoned. That's how I feel. Abandoned by a god I'm not even sure I believe in. Sometimes I feel so alone. I know this sounds stupid, but I do. Like there's no one I can really confide in and no one who will ever understand me. The few people whom I did trust are slowly drifting farther and farther away, and soon they'll all be gone. I don't want to grow up anymore. I remember when I was little and I used to fantasize how successful I'd be when I grew up. All that seems like now is stupidity and wishful thinking. On Monday I'll turn 18. It scares me. I secretly hope something happens to me within the next 2 days, before my birthday so that I don't have to face all that lies ahead. I wish I could turn back time to ten years ago, when everything was so much simpler and so much better. There's so much I'd do differently.. But nothing can be done now. I wonder if I'll spend the rest of my life being punished for the same mistakes... 10:17 p.m. - 2006-10-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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