the-elm's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- medication To be deemed medically unfit, incomplete, unlike everyone else is a concept so alien and so difficult to grasp for me that it is alomst unfathomable, and to be faced with it, something much worse than anything else i've ever been faced with before. To be put on medication that will now become the one stable factor that will govern your very existance, the way you breathe, sleep, eat, talk, an substance not from within yourself that will now create the guidelines in which you must function, that will outline the very role that you play in the world, is something so unimagineable that it is very hard for me to come to terms with it. How can I accept that on my own, as myself, I am incomplete? Did God make me imperfect on purpose? And if so, then why? Why would he do such a thing to me? If there is indeed a "greater plan" then what purpose does this serve in that "plan" of His. Why me? It's not fair. It really isn't. And it's tearing me apart. And I'm scared, so very frightened of this thing. This could have devastating long term effects, many of which I am not even fully aware of at the moment. And that is mind-numbingly frightening. I feel paralyzed, like I'm viewing my life from a remote location, from a third person perspective.. Watching it like I would watch a car-crash, as the crash-test dummies go flying into the windshield and the framework that they were so safe in crumbles and falls apart, as if it was made of nothing more than mere cotton. I don't know where this all is taking me, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Please help me God. 9:16 p.m. - 2006-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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