the-elm's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- change I've been thinking a lot lately.. and not because i enjoy contemplating and being morbid and sulky - even though i am like that a lot of the time - because i don't. Sometimes it's just so hard to keep everyone happy, you know? It's like, they're demanding stuff from me that I couldn't possibly give them.. not now, not ever. Why can't you accept me as i am?? I always hated change, and i hate it when people ask me to change who i am. Hey, if you can't accept me for me, then get away from me. And they tell me they have my 'best interests' at heart and that they 'love me', but honestly, my faith in this fickle emotion called 'love' is only getting weaker and weaker. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a lack of it in my life.. It's just, this feeling that so many people profess to feel, it doesn't feel real to me.. It's like, why would anyone want to put themselves out there like that? It just doesn't make sense. I don't like talking to people.. I think friendships are better left on a superficial level. If people don't know you for who you really are, then they can't hurt you. And who wants to get hurt? I've made the mistake of trusting the wrong person once before, and i can't get past it. What if someone else does that to me? It was hard enough getting over it the first time.. But anyway, I've come to a conclusion. Since, as it is repeatedly pointed out to me, the problem lies within me and not in anyone else, i suppose it is time i forsake myself and my own aspirations in the interest of the greater good. Hey.. if i think about it, it's not so bad.. I mean, i tried to make myself happy and i tried to work towards what I wanted, but i didn't get it. I can't be bothered to put in all that effort and be disappointed again. To be a drone and keep everyone around me satisfied seems like a more viable option at the moment.. I suppose it's time i grew up and got past my own selfish little endeavours.. As they tell me, i owe it to them...
4:53 p.m. - 2006-04-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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